There is nothing wrong with your screen. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling the boobies. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We will control the other thing. You know, the sticky-out-towards-the-screen thing. What’s that called? You know what, never mind. For the rest of the page we will control all that you see and hear.

There is a third dimension, beyond that which is known to man(ga). It is a dimension as vast as a teenager’s hidden porn stash, and as timeless as the horny maid trope. It is the middle ground between light and Fleshlite, between science and gym class, and it sits between the pit of man’s underwear, and the summit of his neighbour’s wife’s bra line. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call…the 3D hentai game. Welcome.

You’re walking in the backstreets of a town or city. Where is not important. Okay, fine – Milwaukee. That’s a real place, right? I didn’t just make it up? Because I’m hearing it back and it sounds made up… You know what – never mind! You reach a corner next to a junction next to an intersection. You go left. Or perhaps right. Or perhaps a left that actually veers round to the right at the next street light. These are just examples. The street you find yourself in is exactly the same as the one you just left, except for one vital detail. About halfway down, the wall on the left-hand side has a girl’s ass sticking out of it.

Before you have a moment to press your hand to your mouth in astonishment, a realization dawns on you. You have entered the subtle world of lewd temptation that is Girl Stuck in a Hole.

Presented under Sterling silver for your dining pleasure: the year 20 A.D. By its side, in an immaculate Steuben glass pitcher is a location: Ancient Rome. Except it’s not Ancient yet. Indeed, it is fairly new. In fact, you could probably get close to retail for it from the right buyer. But that is besides the point. As you commence your meal, your slow mastications and delicate sips form for you the image of naked women strapped to torture devices.

You close your eyes to better savor the fine texture of the gastronomical offerings, but when you open them once more, the plate, the pitcher – even the table – are gone, and you are there, in the very streets of Rome itself. You have touched down in the sordid byways of Slaves of Rome: Power and Glory.

You wake up to an email from your ex-wife. Or maybe from your boss, or some guy you met at the grocery store. The sender is not important. The email includes an attachment. It’s a QR code. You attempt to scan the QR code from your computer screen using your phone, but it doesn’t work. Maybe it’s something to do with the resolution. I dunno. What’s the deal with QR codes, anyway? Just give me a fucking link, jeez. *Ahem*. You resort to printing the code, but you find your printer is out of ink. You drive to the nearest computer supply store, but your car runs out of gas on the way. Also, you never find this out, but it was going to turn out that the computer supply place was now a gateway to hell. The QR code was also a gateway to hell. It was a whole thing. Ah well… You hear a sound, like the trickle of a stream from behind a nearby bush. You peep round quietly, only to discover the shocking source of the sound: a girl with silver hair, squatting down and relieving herself, her lower half entirely exposed to the elements.

Your first instinct is to leave, but your legs have turned to jelly. Literal jelly. Or perhaps metaphorical. The point is, you have become ensnared by the violently erotic parallel universe of Eliminator Kaede.

You find yourself in front of an elevator in an abandoned building. The door opens. Inside the elevator you see the platform of a subway station. No, the physics don’t make sense. That’s kind of the point. You step inside, and the doors close behind you, and then they’re gone. You’re alone in the station, and you stand waiting for a train that never comes. Until it does. Like, five minutes later. Seriously, you need to be more patient, my guy. Anyway, you step on, and there are no other passengers. Except there is one. You must’ve miscounted. It’s a girl.

You feel compelled to speak to her, but no words come out of your mouth. Instead, you find yourself reaching over and touching her. Before you have a moment to contemplate the seven shades of trouble you’d be in if anyone were to see you, you realize you are now trapped – trapped in the curiously-titled, jail-baiting world of The Corrupting Train Feel-Up of a Strong-Willed Girl.

You return from a journey through space and time, during which you killed Hitler, saw who really shot JFK, and found out that somehow you’re actually both of your own grandparents. You step outside of your temporal spaceship, or quantum motorcar, or magic tool shed (sorry, it’s really not easy coming up with all these high-concept ideas). You didn’t think your little joy ride in the fourth dimension would have any consequences. But you were wrong. Gone is the world of modern convenience you remember. In its place, a medieval-like castle sprawls to the left and right of you (it’s weird – though you are three-dimensional, it seems like you can only move in two dimensions). Suddenly you notice a girl running towards you. She’s in full armor and wielding a large sword. As she is about to strike you, your long-dormant ninja instincts kick in, and you send her flying with a lunging uppercut. In awe of your own power, you stand motionless as she lays prone on the ground. Out of nowhere, a large, green, ogre-like creature grabs her body, and wastes no time in ravishing her with its obscenely large member. You stifle a scream. A scream. Ice cream. Strawberry ice cream. Served in a bowl topped with a sauce you somehow know is called Lord Knight Komplex – Knightess in the Magic Castle.

Can I stop talking like this yet, Dave? Youth theater really didn’t prepare me for this…

*Ahem* Ah, I see you have survived your trip through the third dimension. I hope you enjoyed yourself. If your appetite for 3Diddies (that’s 3D titties, for the uninitiated) is not yet satisfied, you may find more delights right here.

And of course, you can discuss what you’ve seen on your adventures on Discord!