There’s no article this week. Do you know why? Because this is site owner Billy’s MOTHER, and I am SHOCKED at the kind of filth he’s been looking at online! Never in all my years as a helpmeet and mother of 23 have I seen such garbage on a computer… or as I prefer to call them, “sin boxes”! What on this 6,000 year-old Earth is “hen-tay”, anyway? Doesn’t sound American to me. Playgrounds are supposed to be sweet, innocent places for carefully-structured, no-contact games and fellowship! Not vessels for this kind of Satanic filth! Billy has lost his computer privileges, and I think it’s about time someone taught all you little deviants a lesson about good, clean entertainment. I’m not sure what a DLsite is, but I’m sure it’s got SOMETHING wholesome on it to cleanse those dirty, dirty minds of yours! Let’s see… Alright, this one looks like decent, moral fun.
I wonder what TKL stands for, anyway. “Thy King and Lord?” Sounds great to me! And “online” shouldn’t be too bad… I’m not one of those overly-strict moms, you know! I’m a cool mom! Computers may be gateways to sin, but they don’t have to be! Even this “internet” thing my pastor warned me about sounds like it could be used to spread the good news! Hmmm… I don’t like the mention of “slaughtering monsters”, but I DO like the idea of getting rid of things that are scary! Not sure what an RPG is, but maybe this isn’t so bad – oh, never mind, it says there’s magic. Magic is how the devil enters the body. Just like library books. I guess I need to keep looking, then!
Ah, here’s a promising one that seems chock-full of family values! It says it’s “a heartfelt story” about comforting your little sister when she’s sad. I can’t argue with that! You should always look after your little sister, you know, especially in a decent, 20-or-more-child household. Billy was in charge of all his younger siblings growing up, and only four of them went to jail! I always thought comics were immoral, but maybe they’re not so bad after all. Maybe there’s room for sequential art when it’s time for discipleship. Maybe there’s – oh, goodness. What does “corporate slave” mean? The sister is crying because her brother’s boss works him too hard? There’s no such thing! This sounds like commie propaganda! I’ll have to burn this later… after I buy it and print it out, of course.
Let’s look at something completely different. “Lovely Composer” sounds good. Why, I know lots of lovely composers, from Roy Rogers all the way to Pat Boone! This could be the ideal tool for all of you to express your spirituality by creating morally pure, non-stimulating worship music. I’m seeing a lot of words I like, like “old” and “retro” and “the”, but also lots of words I don’t understand, like ”MIDI” and “console” and “pan”. The world can be so confusing sometimes, but I suppose that’s the cost of witnessing in this day and age. I’m not seeing a list of prohibited styles here, though… can this program be used to create ROCK MUSIC? Oh goodness, that won’t do at all. Every time you listen to rock music, Satan turns another frog GAY. It’s time to change things up again.
This looks good! The hair on these boys is a tad long for my taste, but I suppose our youth pastor’s a bit shaggy, too. And I don’t see any other indicators of debauchery, either. It says here you take the role of a girl who makes friends with a lost traveler. Wow! Just a nice story about neighbors helping neighbors. More college students should show this kind of gracious hospitality when dealing with their peers! This could definitely make for a wonderful witnessing tool that all the kids can relate to! Well. Wait a second. International travel? Cohabitation? ITALIANS? Okay, I was wrong. This is filth, almost as bad as one of those pornographic Renaissance statues I’ve been told so much about lately. Get thee behind me, crepe-eating instruments of Satan!
Alright, I’m getting desperate here. I’m starting to think nothing on this “DLsite” is appropriate for nice, upstanding families. What about trains? Trains are loved by every little boy, and by absolutely no little girl because my pastor said they’re supposed to play with dolls and plastic ovens. Looking at these pictures, though, this game seems like a great tool for families to bond without getting too… you know… secular about it. Nothing like a life on rails to keep a child on the straight-and-narrow! Hold on, what does it mean by “train battle”? Is this a racing game? With TRAINS? Do the devil’s warm, sensuous fingers know no limits? Racing is far too stimulating for a developing child. They might get hurt! Or worse, they might WIN and start to get a little too big for their britches. We can’t have that!
This site is just awful! Everything is so worldly, so sinful, so… fun. I can’t believe Billy has been willingly subjecting himself to this evil, evil website. Why, I’d rather he attend public school or, Heaven forbid, get vaccinated! What will I tell the other moms at my prayer circle this week? Oh, I’ll be so embarrassed… But I can at least give it one final try. What kind of mom would I be if I didn’t keep you kids safe from the perils of the world…?
Here you go. Safe, family-friendly entertainment that any pastor would love. Aren’t you glad I stuck it out? Now if you’ll excuse me, I think Billy’s earned himself a week inside the Faith Cupboard! Don’t tell the police, or you’re going to Hell!
Save more sinners on DLsite’s “chat room”!
And make sure to follow Billy on the Twitter so you can bring him back to the light!
