Hentai That’ll Really Master Your Sword

You may have noticed that this week’s article is up a day early. Why, you ask? Because there’s something pretty big coming out on Friday. Something big and green and… tearful, on a royal scale, if you catch my drift. So because I’m far too heckin’ AMPED to think about much else, please enjoy this TRIlogy of pornographic tours de FORCE with which I’ve been filling my days until the end of the week. There, that should be vague enough to keep us from getting sued. Anyway, titty time.

Our Convenient Sex Manager

To start, let’s keep things easy, breezy, and BEAUTIFUL with this 21-minute 3D animation about a baseball team manager who’s been roped into some…extra duties. When she heard she’d be taking care of the team’s bats and balls, she never thought they meant their DICKS… and…balls… Alright, so maybe I don’t have the magic today, but this work sure does. 3D CG hentai can get a little janky, but Sex Manager sets a new standard with its fluid, almost 2D-looking animation and modeling. Gaze upon the realistic bouncing, the lifelike cum, and even the finely-sculpted pubic hair, and know true masturbatory bliss!

Look at the curl on those wurlies. Chef’s kiss.

The baseball team’s not shy about running a few different plays on their helpless manager, either. There’s anal! Which leads to DP! Hell, they even make her piss standing up! Hall of Fame behavior, truly. But hey, if the players don’t get to blow off a little steam, performance will suffer – and no manager worth her chewing tobacco wants that!

Damn, you could play a pretty solid trem riff on those strings.

Anyway, I don’t know anything else about baseball, so let’s move on to something a little more interactive, but no less sleazy: the film industry!

Alice in Cameraland

This is a strange one. Most simulation games have goals like romancing an anime girl, or slave-training an anime girl, but this one allows you to… film a porno! Starring an anime girl. And for some reason, it’s based on Alice in Wonderland, because why the hell not? You’ve gotta push the envelope somehow. After getting to know your star a little better through conversations and physical touch, you’ll be able to hire actors, set everything up, and ROLL THOSE CAMERAS! You don’t even need to pay the writers (but you should. Solidarity!).

Mmm, that’s right. Bust her union wide open.

Sexual content spans from soft all the way to HARDCORE, with a few interesting fetishes thrown in. Which, now that I think about it, might be why they chose Alice… I mean, how else are you gonna work in a shrinking scene? Keep your star energetic throughout the shoot and adjust her horniness to get just the shot you want, and you may even win an award. Sure, you’ll never be the next Coppola, but recognition feels oh-so-good! And unlocks more items, too.

A literal dick ride. Need I say more?

The Stray Cat of Belheim

Finally, we come to what I had the most fun with. You may not know it by looking at me, or at whatever image you’ve constructed of me in your head, but I’m a bit of a fighting game guy. But alas, so few hentai games scratch that combo-constructing, health bar-hewing itch…until now! The Stray Cat of Belheim has big, chunky sprites and pleasantly smooth animation worthy of some of the 2D greats, but unlike most fighting games, the enemies don’t stop coming! Or cumming, if you drop your combos too early and get grabbed.

Good combos, like good sex, last a long time, get the heart pumping, and are safe on block.

You’ll mash those buttons through tons of stages on your way to one of four different endings, blowing away hordes of fantasy monsters like goblins, orcs, weird…ground-dwelling fish things, and so much more! And in your quest to murder your enemies, don’t forget to utilize the classic fighting game mechanics either, like launchers, wall bounces, and good old-fashioned evasive rolls. Sound too intense? Well, if your fingers need a break (and they will), you can scoot off to the side to take a load off and masturbate. Yep, that’s how your recover HP. There’s a reason you’re playing this instead of Darkstalkers.

That reason being the porn, not the lack of a new Darkstalkers game in over 20 years. ;~;

Not even the French army can save her! That’s a Pit and the Pendulum joke, for you non-readers out there.

So there you have it – a manager with the courage to take on the whole baseball team, a director with the wisdom to create a pornographic blockbuster, and a catgirl with the power to blast through battalions of sex-starved brutes! Sounds like you’re in for a pretty legendary time. Draw your sword and get wielding! As for me, a new quest awaits. A less fap-filled quest (unless you’re into fish people or sick abs), but a quest nonetheless. I’ll see you all again soon! Maybe. Assuming I remember to eat and sleep. God, I’m so READY.

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