Ahh, Halloween. The spookiest night of the year. The night when all manner of foul goblins run amok in the darkness, wailing their horrid wails and grabbing fistfuls of candy with their sticky little hands when the sign clearly says to take ONE. Man, I fuckin’ hate kids. But I still love Halloween… This leaky, ramshackle shithole I call a house keeps the brats away, and every year I get a slightly… different set of trick-or-treaters than most houses. You see, all the sexually-repressed adults ‘round the neighborhood have a name for me. They know I’m the only one around with the treats they crave, and Halloween night is the one night a year they can throw on a costume and stop on by without arousing any suspicion. And that’s why they call me… the Sleaze-Slinger.
DING DONG
Ah, that’s the door. I see I’ve got my first guest for the evening…
Hmmm. Cheap, holes-in-a-sheet ghost costume. Must be Mr. Davis from across the street. He’s a nice guy, always waves to me when he’s out mowing his lawn… but he works himself to the bone, and his wife’s a little stuck-up. Not a lot of love going on in that household, if you get my meaning. Yep, I think I’ve got the perfect little piece of “candy” for Mr. Davis…
Everyone likes to feel loved. But in the case of someone like my neighbor here, sometimes being loved feels like a lot of work. Sometimes it’s nice to just unwind in a no-pressure environment and enjoy yourself with somebody who adores you. And this is the perfect game for such a weary, lovelorn soul…
The premise is simple: you’re staying with your hot cousin in the sticks for a while. And what else is there to do in that situation but relax and have sex? You can wander the house, watch TV, do some online shopping… no stress, remember? But obviously the real draw is the beautifully animated pixel-art cousin-fucking. You can do it just about anywhere, and depending on how you spend your money and deepen your relationship, even more options will open up. Full-frontal in the front yard, a blowjob in the bathroom, kissing in the kitchen… indeed, this game is pure, stressless country vibes. That should keep Mr. Davis satisfied the rest of the year. And judging by the bump in his sheet, I’d say he’s pretty happy with my choice. Job well done; I’ve earned myself a Charleston Chew.
Alright, now to get back to the couch and un-pause my movie. Have you ever seen Society? Brian Yuzna is a maniac. I’m always so impressed with the practic–
DING DONG
Oh, the doorbell. Another eager guest already, I suppose. Let’s see who we’ve got now…
Oh. It’s Bill Alvarez. Not a fan of Mr. Alvarez. His shirt that says “this is my costume” hasn’t been funny in 30 years, and one wonders why somebody so shameless can’t just buy their porn at the store like a normal pervert. Not to mention he’s a bit of a control freak – HOA board chairs are pretty used to getting their way. But that’s fine. Halloween is for everyone, and I’ve got just the thing in mind for this jerk-o-lantern.
For those looking to satisfy their inner autocrat, there’s no genre better than the simulation game. In this genre, your successes are yours alone, and doubly so when it comes to something simple like this. The title character is your step-sister who’s come to live with you, but she’s rather unfocused and spends all her time watching cat videos. It’s up to the player to turn her into the ideal “roommate”.
How is this accomplished, you ask? By increasing your affection with Amu… and by pestering her for sex. And she’s surprisingly compliant, so players will feel like a Big Strong Man every time they unceremoniously ram their dicks down her throat. The click-and-drag controls also help open up the experience, allowing you to stimulate and train your step-sister YOUR way. Hell, there’s even a clicker minigame that makes earning in-game money addictive and fun. You won’t just feel strong when you finally buy that sexy outfit for Amu, you’ll feel ACCOMPLISHED. That should feed Alvarez’s ego for a while. Hopefully he’ll stop bugging me about my broken windows and creaky weathervane for a few months.
Okay, he’s gone. So, as I was saying, Screaming Mad George was the effects guy for Society, and in the climax there’s –-
DING DONG
There’s the doorbell again. Man, these people don’t usually come this quickly.
Ah, it’s Mrs. Johnson, decked out in a rather audacious “sexy Freddy Krueger” costume. Fantastic. It’s a shame about her husband Frank… I was never sure what a hardcore gamer like her sees in that unspiced bowl of oatmeal. Oh well, at least I get to watch her change through the window. Hey, there’s a reason I’m called the SLEAZE-Slinger. Anyway, I know just what Mrs. Johnson needs…
A gamer like her will surely appreciate this very cute, not-at-all-subtle throwback to older Castlevania games. Seriously, if you’ve played Symphony of the Night, you’ll catch 5+ shout-outs in the first few screens. But hey, no harm in aping a formula that works. It’s a lot of fun to hop around and cut down enemies along the way, but the added adventure aspect that sees you trekking across the land via branching pathways is both refreshing AND almost certainly inspired by Castlevanias III-IV.
It’s also a good thing Mrs. Johnson is a bit of a freak, because the sex scenes in this one can get a tad monstrous, in a very literal sense. We all know how it goes, don’t we? Defeat = monster rape. But with so many different creatures lusting after the heroine, players should be more than eager to see just what kinds of fucky, 3D fun they’ll encounter along the way. Thank the devil for save points! There’s even a gallery mode that lets you revisit all the horny bits up-close-and-personal at your leisure. Yes, I think my very attractive, very unfortunately-married neighbor will get a real kick out of this one…
Ahh, I hate to see her go, but love to watch her leave. And you know what? It’s probably better you watch Society without knowing anything going in. I’ll just get back to it without sayi –-
DING DONG
Ugh. And of course, there’s yet another “trick-or-treater”. I wonder who it could be this time. I hope it’s Ron’s hot daughter. She should be back from grad school for the week.
Oh. I, uh, I don’t know who this is. Pretty creepy costume, though. Just a blank mask and a blood-stained hoodie are more than enough to unsettle. The ominously-dripping fire poker is a fun prop, too! I’ll have to give whoever this is something special. Something spooky. Let’s see, they seem like they’d enjoy…
It really doesn’t get much more special or spooky than this. Object Control places you in the bare feet of a lone girl trapped in a dim, dirty facility full of horrible creatures. And when I say “horrible”, I really mean it. That man-faced dog… thing kept me up for weeks. On top of that, you’ve got a plague doctor, a suspiciously FnaF-y looking mascot monster… There’s a real SCP Foundation vibe to this gallery of ghouls, I’d say. Except they’re all horny.
But how exactly is a mostly nude, amnesiac girl supposed to escape such a scary place? By fucking the monsters and giving birth to their children, obviously. It’s a numbers game, you see, and if she’s got enough creatures on her side to overwhelm the guards, she’s effectively home free. Quite the strat if you ask me, and the perfect thing for my suspiciously silent friend here. Yep, the grim and eerie atmosphere of Object Control is just the ticket to completing a horny, Halloween-y jack of the ol’ lantern.
Hm. That’s creepy. They’re not taking their treat. They’re just staring at me, flourishing their fire poker. Who is this, anyway? That awful Lewis boy from down the street playing a prank? Or maybe it’s Rob, he’s got a twisted sense of humor…
Okay, this is starting to get uncomfortable. What do they want, if not my special brand of Halloween happiness? Candy? I don’t really keep any on hand for visitors… I suppose I could just grab som – WAIT. WHAT ARE THEY DOING? AAAAAUUGHGHGHHFRRFFHLLLGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear readers… run…
– This article was recovered from the home of one H. P. Ground as evidence in a series of slayings that took place across the Pacific Northwest in the fall of 1987. The perpetrator remains at large. If you have any information regarding this case, please contact the DLsite Official Discord.
